Confessions of a Silent Spectator
by Crystal Sapphire girl
Summary: One man was reason for all that happened. One man brought the  fate which everyone suffered. One man did it all. That one man was Severus Snape and this is his story which began with a woman, many choices and loads of magic.For Gregory Roberts & Harper le
1. Chapter 1

**Hi Guys. This is my new fanfiction. I always wondered about Snape's feelings and so now I am writing about them.**

**Forgive me for any errors factual and circumstantial. **

**Feel free to correct me.**

**Thanks..**

**And please review.. I know it sounds conceited but I won't continue it further unless I get reviews.. **

**They are important and so please take sometime out and review..**

**Flames are welcome always just word them nicely…**

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**Love**

**C.S.**

The Silent Spectator

The first objects that assumes a distinct presence before me, as I look back, into the blank of my infancy, are my mother with her dark hair and father with eyes so dark that they seemed to darken our whole neighborhood.

I also do remember my old house, where I spent 11 years of my life under the loving presence of my mother, Eileen Prince and terrifying existence of my father Tobias Snape. The front door opened directly into a sitting room that had the feeling of a dark, padded cell, containing walls filled with books, threadbare furniture, and a dim, candle-filled lamp that hanged from the ceiling. A dark storeroom opened out of it, and that was a place to be run past at night. In the opposite corner was a camouflaged room where my mother and father resided, another place to be run past at night. Voices- loud, terrifying screams of agony and anger, were all that could be heard from that room. Things breaking, glasses shattering and insults flying kept me awake and wanting to escape at night. Yet every morning when the sun rose, I found myself there in that very same room that had kept me awake searching around for signs of last night, finding nothing. There was something of a doleful air about that room which kept me ready and waiting.

Spinners end was old street, but it was a tired old street. In rainy weather, the streets turned to red slop; grass grew on the sidewalks, the court house sagged in the square. Somehow, it was hotter then. Men's stiff collars wilted by 9 in the morning. Ladies bathed before noon, after their 3 O'clock naps, and by nightfall were like soft tea-cakes with frosting of sweat and sweet talcum. People ambled towards their destinations, because that was how they lived. The day was 24 hours long yet it seemed longer. There was nothing to do, no excitement only boring, dull and monotonous life in that world. And I, I was never a part of it.

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I was a wizard, a wonder- worker, conjuror, magician, sorcerer. I was different yet special. I belonged to a more exciting world, a more lively life. Somewhere, where I was powerful, where I'd fit in, where I was a Hero..All the children made fun of me, called me weird, uncanny and eerie but what did they know, they weren't me, they weren't special, they were mere unintelligent muggles, nothing to be proud of…

Yet one particular muggle caught my attention. Her fiery red locks and penetrating green eyes held my advertence and never again could I make myself look away. She smiled and everything seemed to shine, there was hope and there was love. She cried and it seemed like the world was coming to an end, no happiness left in the world just death and destruction.

Behind the lush, green bush, my body hidden yet my eyes travelled wherever her feet did.

" Higher Higher" her ringing laughter and her soft voice filled my heart as I saw her swinging back and forth.

"Lily, don't do it!" shrieked the elder of the two. But she had let go of the swing at the very height of its arc and flown into the air with great shout of laughter, and instead of crumpling on the playground asphalt, she soared, like a trapeze artist through the air, staying up far too long, landing far too lightly.

I knew what I saw. It had to be but how, no it wasn't possible unless she was one.. She was a… a witch. My eyes burnt with happiness. She was no muggle, she was a witch, a beautiful one that too.

Rest of the scene hazed in front of my eyes, all I could see was her and all I could think was magic.

"How do you do it?" the freakish looking one asked, a definite longing in her voice.

No longer could I contain myself. She had to know that she was no ordinary person. She was a witch just like I was a wizard.

"It's obvious, isn't it?" I said as I jumped out from behind the bushes. The older one shrieked and ran backwards towards the swings not that I cared, I had eyes only for the red head.

"What's obvious?" she asked.

I had a air of nervous excitement," You're…You're a witch", I whispered, the statement sounding all the more real than before. It filled me with pleasure but apparently it had a different effect on her. She looked affronted.

" That's not a very nice thing to say to anybody!" She said, her anger flaring as she turned around and marched off.

What had I done. " No!" I shouted without much thought. I had to explain it to her, she was special and she should be proud of it. I tried to tell her about me being a wizard, but her sister's cold laugh filtered my voice. She called me weird and she took her away. Oh what a filthy muggle.

I was left alone there in the middle of the playground staring at her retreating figure, hoping to meet and talk to her again.

I am Severus Snape and my story begins like everything else- with a woman, many life altering choices and loads of magic.

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**That's it…**

**Please please review..**

I** won't be able to continue this unless you do..**

**So please just review.. **

**Love **

**C.S.**


	2. Chapter 2

**So the next chapter is up. Read it if you want to, don't if don't. **

**If you read, then try reviewing.**

**Flames are welcome.**

My special thanks to Gregory David Roberts from whom this story has been inspired. All questions will be answered. Love C.S.

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Them

It was in a dimly lit room that I first saw them. I instantly took a dislike towards them, especially the two sitting across the window, waving like maniacs to a set of people, a tall, handsome man and a petite, delicate woman in his arms- presumably their parents.

I would have stopped Lily, any compartment was better than this but she had already cleared her throat, fixing all the four gazes on her. I wasn't seen, in the shadow of Lily, I was just another invisible shadow.

"May we sit here, the rest of the train is full" Lily said giving them a warm smile, slightly showing her pearl white teeth and slightly hiding them.

"Please madam, consider this as your own compartment" a black wavy haired guy bowed taking off his invisible hat. He had the most striking grey eyes, I had ever seen, eyes full of laughter and jest and I, I loathed them. Lily gave a slight chuckle before seating herself and urging me forward.

"Hey, I am Lily Evans" Lily smiled and the four boys.

"Sirius Black"

"Remus Lupin"

"Peter Pettigrew"

"James Potter, pleasure to meet you both"

He wasn't so sure about me, the feelings were _mutual._

"Severus Snape" I gave them a polite smile.

_Lifetime enmity starts in an instant. The second you look at them, you know they are no good._

"So Lily, which house would you like to be in?" Sirius Black questioned.

"I don't know. Tell me about them". The trace of fear still evident in her eyes, she was still not sure if she, a muggle born was welcome in a place full of magical blood.

"Oh well! There is Gryffindor, the house of the brave and courageous. Then Hufflepuff for the loyal, then Ravenclaw for the wise and in the end Slytherin for the cunning and the evil." James finished with a look of disgust.

"Well, I think Slytherin is for the ambitious and intelligent ones. I'd want to be in Slytherin" I voiced my opinion after a slight hesitation.

"Well, are you crazy? Why would anyone want to be in _that _ho_use? _Forget it, you look a bit off"

Lily's eyes narrowed, but she bit her tongue_. Now I wish that she hadn't._

"Which house do you want to be in?" Lily questioned forgetting her anger, forgetting me.

"Gryffindor" four voices chorused in the small compartment.

"Is there really a talking hat? Lily asked, animatedly.

"There are much, much more Lily-kins". And they launched into the whole description of Hogwarts, dramatizing each thing. Lily enjoyed it; I saw it in her eyes.

We were finally standing in the Great Hall, I felt chocked by the grandeur, smothered by the uncountable eyes and the strangeness of the place. I felt at home, yet distant.

_In all the years, at Hogwarts the feeling never changed._

"Severus Snape" my ears picked up my name and I made my way towards the Sorting Hat, feeling the eyes judge me, just as those muggle eyes had.

"Hmm... There is no doubt, you're courageous. But your courage is masked by your ambitious nature. Slytherin" the hat gave a loud cry, and I made my way towards the cheering table, the table that now was mine.

Till date, I do not agree with the hat_. I never was courageous. If I had courage, I wouldn't have made the mistakes I did. _

As presumed, Potter, Black Lupin and Pettigrew were in Gryffindor, though there was a slight hesitation before Pettigrew's house, just as there had been for me.

"Professor Dumbledore's words still ring in my ears- "It is our choices, far more than our abilities that make us what we truly are".

Finally it was Lily's turn. I waited as she stumbled across the stairs and into the small chair. All eyes were on her and this time, I was one of those eyes.

An inner coagulation took place- she should be in Slytherin, she would be, she had to be.

"Gryffindor" the word took the air out of my lungs. All around people cheered while my fellow Slytherins sneered. I could bring myself to do neither.

She gave me an uncertain look before settling herself between Potter and some other girl. I hated her for sitting next to Potter, but I never blamed her. It was the only empty seat left.

My first day at Hogwarts was officially over and my best friend was supposed to be my enemy. But I promised myself, I would never hurt Lily because of inter house rivalry and I kept my promise yet each day, now I think why I hadn't made the promise of never hurting her for anything because in my life, I have hurt Lily and I have hurt her many times. Each day I live, I regret those times and I hate myself for bringing tears to those eyes, which would haunt me for as long as I shall live, and even after that.

_Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. You may regret your silence once, but you will regret your words often._

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The chapters are not long for a specific reason. So please don't complain about the length. Anything else please go right ahead and complain.**

**Review if you want to…**

**Love**

**C.S.**


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